The Alex Ferguson 2010 World Cup barometer

There are a number of current and past Man United players in action at the 2010 World Cup. Let’s try and gauge how Sir Alex Ferguson is reacting to their individual performances.

Gabriel Heinze ( after goal against Nigeria) – Damn he can score and has got great heart. But not to bother I’ve got Evra.

Patrice Evra (after being dropped against SA) – Brilliant. Don’t think he’s playing for France again. Will give his best for United.

Diego Forlan ( after two goals against SA) – Aargh. I can’t bear watching the Primera Liga and the UEFA Cup because he haunts me. Now bugger’s started scoring in the World Cup as well. Mercy.

Wayne Rooney ( after the camera outburst post the Algeria game) – Wow. Becks gave me his best season after the 98 disaster. I love it when players come back for the season seeking redemption. Can we have more boos please.

Michael Carrick ( on the bench despite English midfielders struggling to hold and pass) – Thank god. Don’t want his already fragile confidence to get dented further. Let me call Harry on the weekend and con him into buying Carrick.

Park Ji Sung ( after goal against Greece) – Bollocks. Now he’ll want a bigger contract and want to play regularly in a central position.

Nemanja Vidic ( after he needlessly handled the ball and gave a penalty) – Yikes. He’s not even faced Torres and is already losing his head. Wonder if Florentino Perez is still interested?

Cristiano Ronaldo ( after two rather average performances) – Damn the Nike people. Bugger’s got the Nike ad in his head. Every time he’s shooting, he’s thinking of the statue. The Portugal federation should have done something about the video.

Gerard Pique ( after messing a clearance and conceding a goal against Switzerland) – Superb. That should send the Catalans back to their miserable former existence. Let me place some bets on the Spanish making a first round exit.

Juan Sebastian Veron ( after yet another poor pass) – Bravo. Keep doing this you smart ass. Had I not tricked Chelsea into signing him, Veron jokes would have done the rounds every time a South American flopped in England.

Carlos Tevez ( after two fine performances ) – *^$^&%$#%^^&**^%#$%$@@%. Pesky little pest. If he wins the World Cup, bugger will have a parade right in my face in Manchester. Need to get him out of England. Let me go meet Florentino Perez. I need a drink now.

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